jackasses & Jackshit!!

People are jackasses. I mean… not you and me, the others.
Like for example the ones who are working at the dental product manufacturing companies. Have you looked at the toothpaste tube cover recently?? If it says anything…any claim whatsoever…it is backed up with a check mark.

Yup! It’s not enough that there’s one guy thinking up the lists of benefits of the toothpaste…
Keeps breath clean.
Fights plaque.
Minty cool breath guaranteed.
12 hour germ guard.
There’s another guy who apparently seems to check the list! Coz there’s always a series of tick marks …before or after every point of endorsement!!??!!

Then they think just coz they are dumb…we are just as dumb. Have you ever looked at the starbucks coffee cup. It says nothing more intellectually insulting than, “the contents of this cup may be hot”.



I mean duh…if its not hot n its my coffee…dude I want my money back or a nip in the microwave damn it!!!!

How about those guys at the office who yell at us when we push their swivel chairs down the corridor real fast??!!!

I mean common the goddamn thing has wheels…and the last time I checked wheels are to speed things up a bit! Ok ok…maybe I’ve gone too far…but you get my drift don’t you?!

Ooh n how about those times at a restaurant…someone next to you tastes something n squeals…”yeeuck!! This is awful!! Just awful!” n they promptly stretch it out right at you, wide eyed…saying “taste it” I mean are you retarded??!!! Or deaf…or blind! Do you think I missed the hit-me-in-the-face signs of this shit is SHIT!!! N you think I’ll taste it….but then …we’re stupid…we taste it…n yeah promptly pass it on to the next guy….here tatse this…its awful…go on see how disgusting it is!! 

Then there’s the inevitable…u knw when u’v got the sniffles…n a wheezy voice…n some Einstein in office asks you…what’s wrong?? N u sneeze out…’flu’ secretly wishing that the sneeze was acidic and scars them (ok …again I’ve gone too far..but like I said you get my point ;-) ) n then Einstein being Einstein will come right back at you with the all knowing dumbass nod and say “oh yeah…that’s going around!” I mean is it realllly?? Coz how is it that every single time of the year I have a flu I always get the..”oh yeah it’s going around” ?? is ALWAYS going around?

N yeah that kinda also explains my absence this past month n a bit..the sniffles…actually a bit more than just the sniffles!! AACHHHOOOO!

Just Kiddin!

So here’s the thing… kids would make great contestants for Fear Factor! There is just no arguing that. I mean come on…they look at something disgusting …and boom…it’s in their mouth.



“Oh you have a sticky green bug for me to eat…? YUMMY”, they’d say!
No questions asked…now that’s a straight win of 10,000 bucks on Fear Factor if you ask me!
And then you’d think that since they were cool enough to do that kinda stuff…they’d play really cool games. But ..na-ah! Somehow they love to play the weirdest and most brain numbing games. Ever heard of the game ‘Pretend’?!Well if you haven’t, just pretend…its part of the game anyway for god sakes! Now what is pretend anyway?! And why would you want to pretend. Now for me, pretend is no different from ‘loony’…u know ….cuckoo….crazy…”oh lets pretend we have an elephant…let’s ride the elephant” where…where the hell is the elephant…I ask you….? N how would I ride it!??
Let’s pretend we’re sleepy kiddo…and let’s take a nap! That’s what I would say to the kid! But no getting to naps…that’s one thing I’m really jealous of when it comes to kids. It’s just so amazing the way they can just fall asleep and be lost to the world so easily!! You see I’m a light sleeper and for me…someone just being in the same room can wake me up. In fact…ME being in the same room wakes me up! Well you get my point…I don’t sleep too well. So when I see something like this…

Do you know what I feel? It’s called one word…jealous!



I mean just look at that. An entire city could be burning to bits but na-ah…I’m sleeping. I’m gone…as dead as a bone….

bone…did somebody say bone…guess who’s up?! And the sun is shining!!

Isn’t it great how animals and kids are so innocent…so real…so excited…so easily! Look at a baby …first learning to walk…it’s eyes are just wide open…looking down at its feet…and then up at your face…saying….”oh my god I’m walking…look at meeee I’m walking”…and us adults….the car’s away at servicing and we’re like “oh *&@%#damn…I have to walk!!”

India-ahahaha!!

Yes. I’m laughing…and How!!! Now I know you have gotten used to my writing funny stuff but today I’m just not in the mood. Although I AM laughing! I was on the internet today…as is often the case ;-) and I noticed someone I know, an Indian, living and working abroad with a status message saying “saare jahaan se acha…hindustan humara!” And I said to myself…hahahaha!!

If that’s really the case then why the hell are they not in India?! (not to mention they have made all of Zero visits home since they left 3-4 years ago) It’s the first road out for so many…and it’s an airplane to out-of-India!

The saddest part is the parents of most kids telling them how there’s better opportunity abroad, “beta wahan par aap Pizza Hut mein waiter ka kaam kar sakte ho pocket money ke liye…aur log kutch nahi bolenge! Yahan to society kya kahegi na…!” “but mom, the economy is booming here…I wanna live in India and do something for my country!” “but beta, wahan par you can do something for yourself…dollar kehten hain usko!” And there gets filled another airplane load of our countries talent sent off to make money for foreigners.

Now let’s take a look at what they are doing there. Well for starters they are forming Indian cultural groups that get together and sing Hindi songs, eat Indian food, and watch Hindi films. And might I add all substandard compared to what we get in the REAL India…

So here’s to the real India…

That has…

Real food (no matter its effect on bmi…)

Real competition (from a really young age…n that’s why we work so hard and do so well that so many foreign companies want to hire us in the first place!!)

Real smiles

Real pride

Real attitude

So when all those ‘patriotic’ parrots that took flight to greener lands have to return to India…we know who will have the last laugh…. India-ahahaha!!

Hel-m-a-idiot!!

So they have the helmet rule quite strict and to-be followed in Chennai now. But it got me thinking…so the rule is meant ONLY for the rider. There is no such rule for the pillion.

So let’s just look at that for a minute. The pillion and the rider are on the same bike. Traveling at the same speed!! You would think that they’re both at equal risk if they were challenged by gravity! But no the people who made the rule probably thought “oh but the rider is always ahead of the pillion…so he is obviously going faster …duh u dumb blog writer…the pillion is never at that speed….he’s always behind!! Naah! He doesn’t need a helmet!!”

But human beings are essentially dumb. I mean you have to admit. Look at the helmet again for example. The purpose of the helmet is after all to protect our skulls. So you would think we would be smart enough to just stop doing whatever it was that we did to potentially crack our skulls. But noooooo…what do we do…we go and invent the helmet…and go right back to our old skull cracking ways!

Then of course there is the matter of undermining our intellect. Which I’m not surprised by, considering the above mentioned 2 stories. So getting right back to undermining our intellect…lets pick up a bottle of shampoo and think about it. Now the instructions on the label…are they undermining our intellect or what!!?? Who …I mean WHO needs instruction son a shampoo bottle….and even if they did…I really don’t think shampooing their hair would be one of their top priorities anyway!

(And now I seem to be doing the same to you...what with the supporting visual of shampoo and all...like you don't know what it looks like!! But what the heck...i liked the picture...the yellow brings a certain 'sunnyness' to me page :-) )

Ok back to the bottle...Don't miss the toll free dial number they have to go with the instructions…like we would get all confused and would need to call customer care for assistance! “so the water goes on before AND after??? Oh my gosh …I thought we didn’t need water at all…!!”

Then there are of course the airport announcements… “Do not leave your baggage unattended.” Oh darn am I really not supposed to do that!!! Just when I thought I’d leave my laptop bag and suitcases in the middle of the airport and go for a nice refreshing stroll!!

(and a supporting visual yet again...just to help u conjure up that image :-) )

Then of course there is the 'fool proof' method that the security check guys use. They ASK you…”are you carrying any sharp objects?” Now they obviously think this method of cross questioning and lie detection is definitely more accurate than their x-ray gadgetry the airports have provided them with to check!! So they make you stand there and ASK you. “Are you carrying any liquid items” Like I have alllll the time in the world to first go through ‘twenty questions’ and then the X-ray…I might just leave my bags unattended if you make me do all that!

‘Anty’ Climax

Yeah ants. What is it about them…you know the whole march-in-a straight line deal??
Come on…I know you have all been jobless enough some day or the other when you have been twiddling your jobless thumbs checking them out…wondering where they were going…what they were doing…which leg goes after which….ok ok maybe not THAT jobless but still …you get my point.
Now if you have looked at them closely enough (without having the twiddling thumbs distract you), you might have noticed the way they have themselves beamed right into the ant in front’s ass. Now if you’re not getting that visual conjured up clearly enough in your little heads …here’s a supporting visual…

Yeah …beam me in Scottie…right into your ass. They seem to use their antennae for that!
The way they’re sticking in line…its as if they have rules…but come on…why do they stay in line???? They can go ANYWHERE they like!! Anywhere!

Not like us…Andheri local ke ticket ke liye kripya katar mein rahein!
McDonald’s I’m-trying-to-be-so-helpful-an- happy Waiter: Madam, I’ll take your order but please get in queue.

I mean they don’t even have driving lanes and lane discipline like us humans…they can go ANYWHERE they want. But they keep going in line…single file!
Maybe they think about it sometimes…maybe they commune…talk about it…

and then yet just cant muster up the courage to go on without sniffing at the next one’s ass…so they are right back at it. In line!

Ant1 (also winner of the debate) saying to Ant 2: "Trust me we're gonna need the numbers when the ant eater shows up!"

It annoys me sometimes you know. Like maybe just once….just once I would like to see one brave crazy, irrational one go…”Hey, chuck this, I’m going THAT way!” and then scurry right off in some random other direction…on its own!

N then this happens to it…
Which is when its probably thinking …”oh crap…if only I had stayed in line!”

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

You know sometimes…just sometimes these phrases we used as kids are just so apt!
I mean liar liar pants on fire… is sometimes true frustration release!
Yes I have been recently confronted by more lies than usual from somebody who’s pants are on fire!!
You know those irritating clan of people…the ones who look you in the fface…with an annoyingly unwavering stare while lying so blatantly that you begin to wonder how much they question your intelligence!
And all u want to say to them is…

Cut the crap!

You know the types…

Me: Did you eat my chocolates?
Fire Pants: No
Me: Are you sure?
Fire Pants: Yes
Me: Then why are you holding on to the wrappers?
Fire Pants: I’m not.
Me: They’re right there in your right hand’s palm..that is now clenched..and sweaty!
Sweaty Fire Pants: Oh…oh that…this is just garbage…I was clearing the garbage.
Me: But the dustbin’s full.
Sweaty Fire Pants: Which is why the wrappers are in my hand see…no space in the bin.
Me: Are you MAD? Or do you think I am MAD! I know you ate my chocolates and now get your left hand off the last 2 boxes of After Eight and shut the refrigerator door now!!!

That’s when you’re 8yrs old and your brother’s a pain in the ass chocolate thief!


Today’s no different…but different circumstances…at work

Me: Why did you steal my work? That article is published with my quotes and your name? How?
Pinocchio Pants: Uh…no there’s been a mistake. The publishing house must have messed it up!
Me: Then how come I just saw you mail them saying “thank you, the article looks perfect!”
Pinocchio Nose Job Needed: Well that’s just coz it did look so perfect don’t you think…the layout…the pictures…no spelling mistakes…you know!
Me: Well what about omission and fact checking?? Unnecessary is it? Didn’t I work really hard for that…and now no credit??!! Oh and u….didn’t work at all…now I remember!
Pinocchio Center of Gravity Shifted: Of course I did. I did all the work by myself. That’s all my text in what’s printed. You had nothing to do with it! I deserve all the credit!
Me: I think you're losing balance…
Pinocchio Pants: (WHAM) ouch…ouch …ouch…I landed straight on my face…I lost my balance…my nose hurts….aaaaaaaaaarrrghhhhh and my pants are on fire….why are u laughing??????
Me: hahahahahaha!!

Swiss Army Knives n Sweet Escapes!

You know I’ve been wondering about the status of Switzerland…you know on wars…the whole...”we ‘re neutral”…”we make chocolates n cheese, not war”!
Well of course you don’t!! You can’t do much with a swiss army knife now can you??!! I mean that thing’s not even a half decent weapon!! So what were they expecting…to actually scare people off with the little forceps…n the ever so cleverly hidden toothpick??! Ooh…n if I’m not careful now, they might just get me with the teensey-weensey excuse for a pair of scissors! Not to miss how the airlines security still manages to put them away like they’re the most life threatening device conceived by man! And for that matter any other unsuspecting/innocent piece of ‘weaponry’ I carry in my handbag!
Yeah, you can’t miss the expression on the security lady when she pulls that little tweezer out of my bag…n breaks the better part of my nail cutter right off!! She looks she’s going straight for airline security wall of fame!
But the Swiss…aaahh you gotta hand it to them…after all they came up with the Swiss chocolates n the Swatches.

Although the Swatch watch that I own might be a real attempt at Swiss weaponry manufacturing…coz every time I try to take that time piece off my wrist it’s iron strap lock attempts to rip my right fingernail right out of its socket!

Oh but the chocolates…they’re my reason for living….remember childhood…running around with the sole purpose of “get chocolate”! I mean if you make a friend..it’s coz he or she has chocolate. Lot’s of it n the crazy bloke’s ready to share it with you! (some kids are so dumb…”Yeah my Uncle’s come down from Switzerland…he lost his army knife at security check but he’s got the chocolates…I’ll share them with you!”) If I got up every morning it was with the sole promise of chocolate and then I was upgraded from Cadburys to Swiss…n life has never been the same. In fact I like to think of chocolate as life’s ‘sweet escape’!! (certainly was for the Swiss anybody messes with them n they get them hooked on chocolate…”u want any more of that stuff n u better be behaving ur self now isn’t it!!”)

Balls to Balding!!!

Balding. The mass exodus of hair follicles from the hairline marching determinedly on… to the shower drain. (yes you end up paying the maid extra to unclog the drain in the bathroom…n yes u r welcome Jaishribai!)
Sorry if I scared you off the shower regime for a month or so. I’m sure Pantene hair fall control should give you enough ammo to get you back in.
My husband tends to obsess about a receding hairline…which isn’t even true (coz he has the nicest, healthiest hair I have ever seen...n i'm not sayin that just coz we share bedrooms!) …so no surprise why he married a fiction writer! :-)

Well I thought I’d do some thinking. On what it is that makes most Indian men shrivel at the thought of the sun bouncing off their shiny heads. (yes guys… at the risk of sounding sexist I must point out that studies show more men buying ‘parachute therapie’ than women!)

Here’s what I came up with

1. Well for starters the terribly scorching “oh I’m gonna die of heat stroke” sun in India can’t make it any more comfortable for you when you’re also losing hair. Precious hair.
(yes and u can blame it on Chennai’s pleasantly hellish climate right now that brought that first point racing to my mind.)

2. Then there’s also the fact that Indian women do not necessarily appreciate a shiny head and not solely because it steals the glory of their shining tresses! We Indian women are not as experimental as our western counterparts. If you wish to debate let me first put before you a reinforcing insight from Bollywood. How many hot actors are there in Bollywood who do not sport luscious locks? Ummm let me count now….ummm yes Akshay Khanna…(n in all honesty I’m not even sure how much I’m pushin it by counting him in ‘hot actors’ anyway let alone ‘lacking locks’…yeah I’ve heard he doesn’t like that dig too much…I wonder if its coz its true?? Hmm)
Ok so our count was stuck at ummmm…1 and comes to a whopping close at ….1 !!
Now turning my long healthy haired head towards Hollywood (sorry, call me weak but I couldn’t resist that dig :-) ) there’s Bruce Willis, Sean Connery, Edward Norton, then that guy from JAG..the admiral…
really hot…but forgot his name ...hey come on…why am I even doing this…didn’t this list start with Bruce Willis..?? That’s a 1000 point lead in itself…so I rest my case.

3. You don’t get that boost of height increase ...u know from the mop of hair. (I tell people all the time that I’m 5’4’’ coz I do my hair up in a bit of puffy style when I’m feelin way to0 below the average Indian height scale!)
So anyway when you don’t have the advantage of hair to boost you height …
you sometimes take to other means!

Ok before I depress you further…I’ll cut these point sand give you a sparkle of hope… here are some good points on balding…

1. People… people...I’m being told that bald is the new black…
There are people who shave their heads n get ‘crowned’ as hip Eg.

2. There are also those who get treated real special for being bald…

yeah how about the Bald Eagle huh?? getting all those one ups on them regular eagles??

3. Then there's just some who get away lookin all cute n confused...just coz their bald. You know raised eyebrows...scratchin their shiny heads...n wham they're out of a tight spot...just with that "oh im so cute..im so bald...remember 'chicken little'?

4. Then there's also the aspect of how it helps you concentrate on other assets...

Anyway I’m bored now…wouldn’t want to split any more hairs on this topic coz after all people what’s ‘hair’ today…is gone tomorrow!

Isn't that what the headache's all about??

So let’s just say balls to balding!! Hubby dear take a listen/lesson please!

maybe dogs can drive?

My brother in law recently discovered his driving license wasn’t as up to date as he or the traffic policeman, who caught him, would have liked it to be. The event of the expired license has him now prepping for his driving test.
The topic had me thinking…why these tests are more often than not considered a drag.
Well first of all for most of us superior intellect (or so we like to presume) individuals when there’s someone honking in the rear…or generally making a nuisance of themselves on the road we usually look into the rear view mirror thinking…

ASS!

Add to that the numerous mundane…
And perhaps not so mundane ...see below (I mean seriously what the hell does this road sign mean anyway??!! “Slow down…jack the ripper’s takin his overgrown kid to school??”)
road signs.

I like the idea of clear signs that are easy to interpret. Like these for example…


Now since we are on the topic of road signs…this one I find particularly helpful for all those expressways in India trying (in vain) to keep the non-four wheeler schmuck off!

Some signs perhaps when I am driving past...really fast (I swear I’m not rhyming on purpose!) I could misread…

wrong way???

But when it comes to signs….some basic ones really do the trick…



??? I mean what was this guy thinking?? That’s some high expectations from bulls! I mean first you expect them to read…n then also to keep out!?

All said and done I think this young enthusiasts being a little too hopeful if he thinks he’s about to get through a driving test…but then if bulls can read then maybe dogs can drive!

Reminds me of a rubics!

I like something about the rubics cube. All those colours in all that disorder…kind of reminds you of a kid that’s got the spunk enough to mess around with the art teacher’s palette. Didn’t you just hate it when they used to tell you, “Ok then, fill in the yellow there…no no…the red goes here!” Well ask my mum to show you my arts n crafts project n you will see teddy bears with green ears and purple eyes. Yeah notice how its so much easier to be experimental as a child?
It was always so easy to say “hey look no hands!!” and hey presto…you’re doing something utterly reckless and irresponsible that could have you go crashing against a less than soft/blunt something and have your facial features rearranged!
When I could have the nerve to do that incessantly as a child (my mum’s grey hair stands testimony to that) then why is it that as an adult I can’t find it in me to surrender to marriage?
It involves the same levels of recklessness. Your facial features also get rearranged in turns by the beautician (yes it takes a lot to make me look presentable!) and the photographer (he thanks photoshop developers everyday)!
So now you’re wondering how I went from the rubics cube to the topic of marriage?

Well even if you’re not I’ll still tell you.

My unassuming readers the concept of marriage is nothing but a rubics cube in camouflage. The more you screw things up the more difficult it is to fix it!

Some people have it figured so easy and the others (read as me) are certain to take ummm…a realllly lllong time.

To Chennai ...with love!

Aaaah Chennai!! Well why ‘Life in a Metro’ was not based on Metro Chennai gets clarity in my head every passing day!
I have been in Chennai all of 15 days now and really although it might not seem so…I don’t have many complaints about the city. Only the sweltering heat that made my pores scream murder…the sweat smell…oops sweet smell of Chennai greeted me the second I stepped off the flight.
I was also always taught how sniggering at people and exchanging comments in a language alien to them is bad manners. I wonder how this was something that the people, in and around my residence, somehow managed to dodge from their parents teachings. My parents always ensured I had my manners to rote…but then again here I am blogging mean and anti communal comments!
Anyway getting back to where I was…whenever I leave the safety of my home I am subject to snigger snigger…tsk tsk...mumble jumble. In retrospect its quite entertaining for me coz it’s always nice to imagine your favourite cartoon characters in peoples contorted gossipy faces.
Ok now that I am dangerously close to convincing my readers that I don’t have a kind bone in me…I might as well tell you about what I do like about the city.
I can sum it up in one word…Ponnuswamy. No I am not fantasizing about a white mundu clad, handlebar mustached, pot bellied Tam Brahm (although now that I’v described him I wonder why not…sheer eye candy isn’t it!?)
I am however talking about a certain restaurant that specializes in the most delectable plant friendly (read as non vegetarian) cuisine. Chicken biryani is my staple diet and Ponnu’s restaurant better be extending me a heavy lifetime membership discount offer! But seriously it’s like the food there makes love to your taste buds and has you at climax by the time you swallow!

Oh n yeah about all the bad stuff I said at the outset…it cant be all that true coz I did bump into a Parsi family that had come down all the way from Cuffe Parade, Bombay to spend their Easter hols vacationing in Chennai! Surprisingly for me they looked as smug and satisfied as could be (but was that perhaps coz they were staying at the Taj Fisherman’s Cove Resort???)
Either way, I say cheers it is …to Chennai’s chicken!

s_P_ace

Push. Pull. Tug. Twist. Pinch. Punch.
(yeah and starbucks tells me 25th Jan is people Power day! Thought i'd pass that info on!)

Yeah so anyway...where was I?

hmm yeah...

Push. Pull. Tug. Twist. Pinch. Punch.

Phew!
Your in.
Ever heard of ‘sardines in a can’?! Well it takes on a new meaning for me every time I enter the 8.59am fast local.
Yes it’s evident by now…I am a Bombayite! The title is thrust upon me by a city that knows no better than to thrust. (tsk tsk…your mind is almost as filthy as the city's gutters!)
If you are standing…you are in the way. If you are sitting…you are in the way. If you are walking…well guess what…you’re still in the way! If you are running you just might make it.

I’m lucky I work at a graphic design studio. Yeah we aren’t almost half as caught up dress codes as other offices. So if my clothes get a beating (sorry ironing!) in the train…I can very well masquerade around the studio, as a style icon, flaunting my latest ‘artsy’ ensemble! Eat your heart out prisoners of the corporate dress code (read as my housemates!) For those of you who don't know...umm...they work for a bank! Ok so I am sleeping on the couch today...or whenever it is that they read this blog.
Now that I have come to terms with that fact...
honestly, I love the city. It gave me the opportunity to step into it (however tough it is to find a footstep of space!) It gave me the place I call my studio. Go in each day…pretend its work…when I am actually getting paid to do what I love…day after day after day. Bombay is the only city in the world that holds no pretence. It gives you exactly what you take from it! It’s unpredictable. It will mirror your mood…moment for moment. Eg:- your angry and hostile…well guess what…someone on the sidewalk will hit against you and bustle away!
You’re happeeee…a construction site workers kid on the corner smiles right back at you.
You’re late for work…yup the local trains are running late too…and yeah the taxi guy won’t budge either. Why? He has no space to move. His taxi. Its called a traffic jam!
But b.b.y I sure love b.om.b.a.y!!