jackasses & Jackshit!!

People are jackasses. I mean… not you and me, the others.
Like for example the ones who are working at the dental product manufacturing companies. Have you looked at the toothpaste tube cover recently?? If it says anything…any claim whatsoever…it is backed up with a check mark.

Yup! It’s not enough that there’s one guy thinking up the lists of benefits of the toothpaste…
Keeps breath clean.
Fights plaque.
Minty cool breath guaranteed.
12 hour germ guard.
There’s another guy who apparently seems to check the list! Coz there’s always a series of tick marks …before or after every point of endorsement!!??!!

Then they think just coz they are dumb…we are just as dumb. Have you ever looked at the starbucks coffee cup. It says nothing more intellectually insulting than, “the contents of this cup may be hot”.



I mean duh…if its not hot n its my coffee…dude I want my money back or a nip in the microwave damn it!!!!

How about those guys at the office who yell at us when we push their swivel chairs down the corridor real fast??!!!

I mean common the goddamn thing has wheels…and the last time I checked wheels are to speed things up a bit! Ok ok…maybe I’ve gone too far…but you get my drift don’t you?!

Ooh n how about those times at a restaurant…someone next to you tastes something n squeals…”yeeuck!! This is awful!! Just awful!” n they promptly stretch it out right at you, wide eyed…saying “taste it” I mean are you retarded??!!! Or deaf…or blind! Do you think I missed the hit-me-in-the-face signs of this shit is SHIT!!! N you think I’ll taste it….but then …we’re stupid…we taste it…n yeah promptly pass it on to the next guy….here tatse this…its awful…go on see how disgusting it is!! 

Then there’s the inevitable…u knw when u’v got the sniffles…n a wheezy voice…n some Einstein in office asks you…what’s wrong?? N u sneeze out…’flu’ secretly wishing that the sneeze was acidic and scars them (ok …again I’ve gone too far..but like I said you get my point ;-) ) n then Einstein being Einstein will come right back at you with the all knowing dumbass nod and say “oh yeah…that’s going around!” I mean is it realllly?? Coz how is it that every single time of the year I have a flu I always get the..”oh yeah it’s going around” ?? is ALWAYS going around?

N yeah that kinda also explains my absence this past month n a bit..the sniffles…actually a bit more than just the sniffles!! AACHHHOOOO!

Just Kiddin!

So here’s the thing… kids would make great contestants for Fear Factor! There is just no arguing that. I mean come on…they look at something disgusting …and boom…it’s in their mouth.



“Oh you have a sticky green bug for me to eat…? YUMMY”, they’d say!
No questions asked…now that’s a straight win of 10,000 bucks on Fear Factor if you ask me!
And then you’d think that since they were cool enough to do that kinda stuff…they’d play really cool games. But ..na-ah! Somehow they love to play the weirdest and most brain numbing games. Ever heard of the game ‘Pretend’?!Well if you haven’t, just pretend…its part of the game anyway for god sakes! Now what is pretend anyway?! And why would you want to pretend. Now for me, pretend is no different from ‘loony’…u know ….cuckoo….crazy…”oh lets pretend we have an elephant…let’s ride the elephant” where…where the hell is the elephant…I ask you….? N how would I ride it!??
Let’s pretend we’re sleepy kiddo…and let’s take a nap! That’s what I would say to the kid! But no getting to naps…that’s one thing I’m really jealous of when it comes to kids. It’s just so amazing the way they can just fall asleep and be lost to the world so easily!! You see I’m a light sleeper and for me…someone just being in the same room can wake me up. In fact…ME being in the same room wakes me up! Well you get my point…I don’t sleep too well. So when I see something like this…

Do you know what I feel? It’s called one word…jealous!



I mean just look at that. An entire city could be burning to bits but na-ah…I’m sleeping. I’m gone…as dead as a bone….

bone…did somebody say bone…guess who’s up?! And the sun is shining!!

Isn’t it great how animals and kids are so innocent…so real…so excited…so easily! Look at a baby …first learning to walk…it’s eyes are just wide open…looking down at its feet…and then up at your face…saying….”oh my god I’m walking…look at meeee I’m walking”…and us adults….the car’s away at servicing and we’re like “oh *&@%#damn…I have to walk!!”

India-ahahaha!!

Yes. I’m laughing…and How!!! Now I know you have gotten used to my writing funny stuff but today I’m just not in the mood. Although I AM laughing! I was on the internet today…as is often the case ;-) and I noticed someone I know, an Indian, living and working abroad with a status message saying “saare jahaan se acha…hindustan humara!” And I said to myself…hahahaha!!

If that’s really the case then why the hell are they not in India?! (not to mention they have made all of Zero visits home since they left 3-4 years ago) It’s the first road out for so many…and it’s an airplane to out-of-India!

The saddest part is the parents of most kids telling them how there’s better opportunity abroad, “beta wahan par aap Pizza Hut mein waiter ka kaam kar sakte ho pocket money ke liye…aur log kutch nahi bolenge! Yahan to society kya kahegi na…!” “but mom, the economy is booming here…I wanna live in India and do something for my country!” “but beta, wahan par you can do something for yourself…dollar kehten hain usko!” And there gets filled another airplane load of our countries talent sent off to make money for foreigners.

Now let’s take a look at what they are doing there. Well for starters they are forming Indian cultural groups that get together and sing Hindi songs, eat Indian food, and watch Hindi films. And might I add all substandard compared to what we get in the REAL India…

So here’s to the real India…

That has…

Real food (no matter its effect on bmi…)

Real competition (from a really young age…n that’s why we work so hard and do so well that so many foreign companies want to hire us in the first place!!)

Real smiles

Real pride

Real attitude

So when all those ‘patriotic’ parrots that took flight to greener lands have to return to India…we know who will have the last laugh…. India-ahahaha!!

Hel-m-a-idiot!!

So they have the helmet rule quite strict and to-be followed in Chennai now. But it got me thinking…so the rule is meant ONLY for the rider. There is no such rule for the pillion.

So let’s just look at that for a minute. The pillion and the rider are on the same bike. Traveling at the same speed!! You would think that they’re both at equal risk if they were challenged by gravity! But no the people who made the rule probably thought “oh but the rider is always ahead of the pillion…so he is obviously going faster …duh u dumb blog writer…the pillion is never at that speed….he’s always behind!! Naah! He doesn’t need a helmet!!”

But human beings are essentially dumb. I mean you have to admit. Look at the helmet again for example. The purpose of the helmet is after all to protect our skulls. So you would think we would be smart enough to just stop doing whatever it was that we did to potentially crack our skulls. But noooooo…what do we do…we go and invent the helmet…and go right back to our old skull cracking ways!

Then of course there is the matter of undermining our intellect. Which I’m not surprised by, considering the above mentioned 2 stories. So getting right back to undermining our intellect…lets pick up a bottle of shampoo and think about it. Now the instructions on the label…are they undermining our intellect or what!!?? Who …I mean WHO needs instruction son a shampoo bottle….and even if they did…I really don’t think shampooing their hair would be one of their top priorities anyway!

(And now I seem to be doing the same to you...what with the supporting visual of shampoo and all...like you don't know what it looks like!! But what the heck...i liked the picture...the yellow brings a certain 'sunnyness' to me page :-) )

Ok back to the bottle...Don't miss the toll free dial number they have to go with the instructions…like we would get all confused and would need to call customer care for assistance! “so the water goes on before AND after??? Oh my gosh …I thought we didn’t need water at all…!!”

Then there are of course the airport announcements… “Do not leave your baggage unattended.” Oh darn am I really not supposed to do that!!! Just when I thought I’d leave my laptop bag and suitcases in the middle of the airport and go for a nice refreshing stroll!!

(and a supporting visual yet again...just to help u conjure up that image :-) )

Then of course there is the 'fool proof' method that the security check guys use. They ASK you…”are you carrying any sharp objects?” Now they obviously think this method of cross questioning and lie detection is definitely more accurate than their x-ray gadgetry the airports have provided them with to check!! So they make you stand there and ASK you. “Are you carrying any liquid items” Like I have alllll the time in the world to first go through ‘twenty questions’ and then the X-ray…I might just leave my bags unattended if you make me do all that!

‘Anty’ Climax

Yeah ants. What is it about them…you know the whole march-in-a straight line deal??
Come on…I know you have all been jobless enough some day or the other when you have been twiddling your jobless thumbs checking them out…wondering where they were going…what they were doing…which leg goes after which….ok ok maybe not THAT jobless but still …you get my point.
Now if you have looked at them closely enough (without having the twiddling thumbs distract you), you might have noticed the way they have themselves beamed right into the ant in front’s ass. Now if you’re not getting that visual conjured up clearly enough in your little heads …here’s a supporting visual…

Yeah …beam me in Scottie…right into your ass. They seem to use their antennae for that!
The way they’re sticking in line…its as if they have rules…but come on…why do they stay in line???? They can go ANYWHERE they like!! Anywhere!

Not like us…Andheri local ke ticket ke liye kripya katar mein rahein!
McDonald’s I’m-trying-to-be-so-helpful-an- happy Waiter: Madam, I’ll take your order but please get in queue.

I mean they don’t even have driving lanes and lane discipline like us humans…they can go ANYWHERE they want. But they keep going in line…single file!
Maybe they think about it sometimes…maybe they commune…talk about it…

and then yet just cant muster up the courage to go on without sniffing at the next one’s ass…so they are right back at it. In line!

Ant1 (also winner of the debate) saying to Ant 2: "Trust me we're gonna need the numbers when the ant eater shows up!"

It annoys me sometimes you know. Like maybe just once….just once I would like to see one brave crazy, irrational one go…”Hey, chuck this, I’m going THAT way!” and then scurry right off in some random other direction…on its own!

N then this happens to it…
Which is when its probably thinking …”oh crap…if only I had stayed in line!”

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

You know sometimes…just sometimes these phrases we used as kids are just so apt!
I mean liar liar pants on fire… is sometimes true frustration release!
Yes I have been recently confronted by more lies than usual from somebody who’s pants are on fire!!
You know those irritating clan of people…the ones who look you in the fface…with an annoyingly unwavering stare while lying so blatantly that you begin to wonder how much they question your intelligence!
And all u want to say to them is…

Cut the crap!

You know the types…

Me: Did you eat my chocolates?
Fire Pants: No
Me: Are you sure?
Fire Pants: Yes
Me: Then why are you holding on to the wrappers?
Fire Pants: I’m not.
Me: They’re right there in your right hand’s palm..that is now clenched..and sweaty!
Sweaty Fire Pants: Oh…oh that…this is just garbage…I was clearing the garbage.
Me: But the dustbin’s full.
Sweaty Fire Pants: Which is why the wrappers are in my hand see…no space in the bin.
Me: Are you MAD? Or do you think I am MAD! I know you ate my chocolates and now get your left hand off the last 2 boxes of After Eight and shut the refrigerator door now!!!

That’s when you’re 8yrs old and your brother’s a pain in the ass chocolate thief!


Today’s no different…but different circumstances…at work

Me: Why did you steal my work? That article is published with my quotes and your name? How?
Pinocchio Pants: Uh…no there’s been a mistake. The publishing house must have messed it up!
Me: Then how come I just saw you mail them saying “thank you, the article looks perfect!”
Pinocchio Nose Job Needed: Well that’s just coz it did look so perfect don’t you think…the layout…the pictures…no spelling mistakes…you know!
Me: Well what about omission and fact checking?? Unnecessary is it? Didn’t I work really hard for that…and now no credit??!! Oh and u….didn’t work at all…now I remember!
Pinocchio Center of Gravity Shifted: Of course I did. I did all the work by myself. That’s all my text in what’s printed. You had nothing to do with it! I deserve all the credit!
Me: I think you're losing balance…
Pinocchio Pants: (WHAM) ouch…ouch …ouch…I landed straight on my face…I lost my balance…my nose hurts….aaaaaaaaaarrrghhhhh and my pants are on fire….why are u laughing??????
Me: hahahahahaha!!

Swiss Army Knives n Sweet Escapes!

You know I’ve been wondering about the status of Switzerland…you know on wars…the whole...”we ‘re neutral”…”we make chocolates n cheese, not war”!
Well of course you don’t!! You can’t do much with a swiss army knife now can you??!! I mean that thing’s not even a half decent weapon!! So what were they expecting…to actually scare people off with the little forceps…n the ever so cleverly hidden toothpick??! Ooh…n if I’m not careful now, they might just get me with the teensey-weensey excuse for a pair of scissors! Not to miss how the airlines security still manages to put them away like they’re the most life threatening device conceived by man! And for that matter any other unsuspecting/innocent piece of ‘weaponry’ I carry in my handbag!
Yeah, you can’t miss the expression on the security lady when she pulls that little tweezer out of my bag…n breaks the better part of my nail cutter right off!! She looks she’s going straight for airline security wall of fame!
But the Swiss…aaahh you gotta hand it to them…after all they came up with the Swiss chocolates n the Swatches.

Although the Swatch watch that I own might be a real attempt at Swiss weaponry manufacturing…coz every time I try to take that time piece off my wrist it’s iron strap lock attempts to rip my right fingernail right out of its socket!

Oh but the chocolates…they’re my reason for living….remember childhood…running around with the sole purpose of “get chocolate”! I mean if you make a friend..it’s coz he or she has chocolate. Lot’s of it n the crazy bloke’s ready to share it with you! (some kids are so dumb…”Yeah my Uncle’s come down from Switzerland…he lost his army knife at security check but he’s got the chocolates…I’ll share them with you!”) If I got up every morning it was with the sole promise of chocolate and then I was upgraded from Cadburys to Swiss…n life has never been the same. In fact I like to think of chocolate as life’s ‘sweet escape’!! (certainly was for the Swiss anybody messes with them n they get them hooked on chocolate…”u want any more of that stuff n u better be behaving ur self now isn’t it!!”)